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When a person you are close to exhibits selective competence, the most common reaction is frustration, anger and accusations of fraud. You may be tired of making concessions for a person who appears to be quite capable of dealing with a particular aspect of reality, yet right now seems to be choosing not to. One danger is that this can cross over into Thought Policing or Mind Control, which is not a healthy solution.
You would perhaps become defensive, indignant, scared, annoyed. The same goes for people who dissociate. They have feelings too and will not respond well to being told what to believe. People need to be allowed to believe what they want to believe and think what they want to think.
At the same time, you are not under an obligation to take responsibility for anything another adult can reasonably be expected to do for themselves, especially when they have at other times shown clearly that they can. Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia — The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome. Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia are common among all people.
We all remember certain events and situations differently. Our ability to remember with clarity events from a favorite early childhood vacation or birthday party can often greatly exceed our ability to remember our commute to work yesterday. Scientists and psychologists are still unlocking the secrets of exactly how memory works in the human brain.
Much has been learned about the neural networks, neurons, synapses and etc. However, what is clear is that emotion forms an important component of what we can remember and how well we can remember it. It is thought that adrenaline plays a role. This helps explain why we can remember details of an exciting event such as that childhood vacation much easier than an uninteresting one such as the commute to work.
People with personality disorders often suffer from extremes of emotion — sometimes referred to emotional dysregulation or emotional regulation disorder. These unregulated emotional highs and lows perhaps help to explain why some people with personality disorders experience vastly inconsistent memory functioning. Additionally, this may also help to explain why some people who suffer from personality disorders experience extreme forms of selective memory known as Dissociation.
Scapegoating — Singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited negative treatment or blame. Everyone has some relationships that feel less comfortable, natural or rewarding than the others. Some people simply annoy us more, tire us more or challenge us more than others.
For example, many parents struggle to show equitable treatment to their children, who usually have different interests, abilities and behavior patterns, just as employers typically find a broad spectrum of abilities and attitudes within their staff.
Some relationships just take more work than others. Differential treatment becomes dysfunctional, however, when it translates into actions such as inequitable systems of reward and punishment or inequitable access or denial of access to opportunities, resources and liberties. It becomes a form of abuse when one child, employee or member of a group is singled out for special punishment, undeserved negative treatment or arbitrarily denied some benefit available to the others.
People with Personality Disorders are particularly susceptible to showing dysfunctional differential treatment because they sometimes allow their feelings to override facts. This means their feelings become so intense that what they feel about a person or situation can receive more of their attention or take a higher priority than what they know about that person or situation.
This can then lead to distortions in how they interpret a given situation which are then used to rationalize or justify the way they feel and the way they behave as a result. Scapegoating can occur in all aspects of life, however, it is most clearly demonstrated and can be most destructive when the person showing favoritism has some form of power or authority over others, such as in parent-child, teacher-student and boss-subordinate relationships.
Other countries have also passed similar legislation. However, these laws only protect against favoritism which can be objectively verified in a court of law and where an objective criterion for the discriminatory behavior for example refusing to serve members of a particular ethnic group in a restaurant can be demonstrated.
Scapegoating is the opposite of favoritism as it involves punishments rather than rewards, although they are essentially similar kinds of dysfunction. They both involve judgments which are not based on objective ideas of fairness. Other names for scapegoating include reverse-favoritism, bullying, prejudice, discrimination, bias and partiality. Children who grow up as the scapegoat in a family are likely to develop trust issues, resentment and low self-esteem.
Children often blame themselves for such treatment and look for rationalizations for the way they are treated. They may begin to feel worthless, ugly, stupid or incompetent. They may struggle academically and avoid competitive situations or opportunities. Adult children who have been scapegoated may struggle with explosive anger, pessimism and resentment in relationships, employment, and friendships.
Some children who are victims of scapegoating may try to prove their worth by becoming over-achievers, often to the detriment of their own aspirations and interests in life. Children who are victims of parental scapegoating often seek validation outside of the home can be vulnerable to predatory groups and individuals who seek to take advantage of them. Religious cults, criminal gangs, terrorist organizations, thieves and violent or sexual predators often lure their victims by initially offering validation to people who have low self-worth.
Sabotage — The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention. In a healthy relationship, everyone is generally doing their best to maintain peace, calm and mutual kindness. However, some people with Personality Disorders will engage in relationship sabotage, by lobbing some kind of manufactured chaos or crisis into the heart of the relationship with the explicit aim of causing damage.
Some of the ways this may occur are through sudden verbal accusations or rages, feigning illness, quitting a job, having an affair, wrecking a car, spending a large sum of money, destruction or theft of property and self-destructive behaviors such as self-injury or suicide. Passive forms of sabotage also exist, including withdrawal of co-operation, failure to keep promises, silent treatment, prolonged physical or emotional absence, abandonment of shared values or inappropriate exposure of shared property and finances to risk.
Narcissistic Sabotage is easier to comprehend, since there is a clear and immediate payoff for the saboteur even if it is short-lived. Some narcissists may secretly sabotage another person so they can feel more powerful and successful themselves. Others may do it more openly. Provocative Sabotage is more complex. Histrionic Sabotage is less obvious. The gain for the saboteur is the attention itself. The histrionic saboteur may seek infamy, fame, recognition or significance in the eyes of the victim and in the eyes of any witnesses.
The loss the victim suffers is rationalized as a means to an end. Acts of sabotage are usually tools a person will use in an attempt to try to feel better about themselves. The net result of all three types of sabotage is the same: the saboteur gets something they want and the victim loses something they wanted to keep. Acts of Sabotage are forms of abuse — plain and simple. If someone sabotages you or sabotages something important to you they are abusing you.
Narcissists are fighting a war for superiority in their own heads and the sooner they feel superior to you, the sooner they will leave you alone. Protect your assets and get yourself out of the fast lane. Provocative Saboteurs and histrionic saboteurs are more of a problem. They will just up the ante and increase the stakes until you are forced to engage.
You will either have to give them the fight they want or disappear. Remove yourself and any assets or treasures you may have from a provocateur — as far as is possible and remove yourself from their company. Some people also obtain legal restraining orders to protect themselves and their families from a saboteur. If you feel you are being victimized by a saboteur and feel unable to disappear from them, you may need to get help.
Many people stay in abusive situations for many years because they feel trapped. These are arguments that are used over and over again by abuse victims to justify their position in staying and sometimes for keeping their own children exposed to an abusive environment. Most abusers are intelligent enough to know you probably have these feelings, and are relying on them to sustain the status quo. Riding the Emotional Elevator — Taking a fast track to different levels of emotional maturity.
As we grow older, we develop the ability to think more rationally and less emotionally. We appear to do more of our thinking with the outer region of our brain, known as the cortex and less with the lower regions which appear to be more closely attached to the emotions and the pleasure and pain functions.
We still possess those lower regions and have emotions, but with maturity we tend to regulate those emotional impulses with rational thought. The lower regions in our brains contain the pleasure and pain processing centers and are responsible for our emotions — these include the parts that fire off electrical impulses and release chemicals that make us feel pleasure, ecstasy, fear, anger etc.
The outermost region of our brain, known as the cortex, is what differentiates us most from the animal kingdom and is responsible for complex thought, language, planning, calculating etc. Most of us understand that people occasionally take a break from more rational decision making to making choices purely on emotional thought. We all have the ability to temporarily shut off or throttle back the signals that our frontal cortex sends to us and hand command and control back over to our lower, emotional brains.
At these times, we are far less likely to think about the consequences of our actions, plan for the future, or consider the effects that our actions might have on others. We may temporarily live in the moment and do what feels good rather than doing what we know is good for us in the long run. This is why deferred gratification activities like dieting, healthy lifestyle or education can be so difficult for some of us.
However, the battle for control is not between our hearts and our heads — it is between two competing parts of our mind that compete for our attention, our higher-functioning cortex and our lower-functioning emotional mind. Certain situations, holidays and anniversaries trigger emotional memories make people more susceptible to riding the emotional elevator down.
When we remember something, our minds store not just the event data but also the emotions — the way we felt when something happened or when we learned about something. When we recall old memories, we are recalling more than just the facts, we are also recalling the way we felt and feeling those feelings again.
This is partly why some bad memories are painful to remember and why some good memories make us feel good to remember. In our minds we are recreating some of those feelings again. This helps explain why certain people are susceptible to emotional triggering.
Those who have a relationship with a person with a Personality Disorder may immediately begin to recognize some favorite floors they tend to descend to. You may also notice that they can transition fairly quickly from a lower floor back up to greater maturity. If we are honest with ourselves we will also recognize that sometimes we Nons ride the elevator down too.
Sometimes it just feels better to spend a little time on a lower floor. Sometimes Nons will take the bait and ride the elevator with someone who is already going down. Sometimes they will go down all on their own. Most people who take the emotional elevator down are aware of what they are doing.
Sometimes, people will seek out a way to justify their thoughts. Some people will use a religious argument for abandoning rational logic — this is sometimes seen in extreme religious fundamentalism. Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression — Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their personal boundaries.
Rage and Impulsive Aggression are different from anger. Anger is a feeling. Rage and impulsive aggression are actions or behaviors. Rages are also unprovoked however, in most cases a person who commits an act of rage will find an excuse which puts the blame for their behavior on others — usually the victim. While some rages are brief, lasting from a few seconds to a few minutes, others can last for hours. However, it is not the duration but the intensity which makes a lasting impact on the victims and the relationship.
In some case, fits of rage are bridged together by longer, passive-aggressive spells of contempt or silent treatment. Rages occur most often in private settings such as the home, where there are no witnesses other than the victim, and are also more likely to occur after dark.
You may find yourself quickly scanning your recollections of what happened the last time you went through this. If you stay — you know you are in for a rough ride. It may take hours. You may not get to sleep. Staying during a rage is pure hell. If you leave — you will keep more of you dignity but you need to have real nerve as you walk out the door.
You may be all alone with nowhere to go and nothing to do but sit and fret about what will happen when you return. Leaving during a rage is pure hell. When confronted by rage — you are faced with two unattractive choices — fight or flight. It is a time to choose the lesser of two evils. In the short run they are about equal in pain but in the long run, leaving during a rage is better for the following reasons:.
We strongly urge you to have a plan of what you will do and where you will go the next time a rage hits. This will make it emotionally easier to make a gracious exit the next time you are confronted with a rage or impulsive aggression. If at all possible, pre-arrange with a friend whom you can call even during the night just to talk to if you find yourself in a situation like this.
Push-Pull — A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason. Push-Pull describes the feeling many of us experience being in a relationship with someone who suffers from a Personality Disorder — sometimes they draw us close, other times they push us away either overtly or through behaviors which drive us away.
Because people with Personality Disorders have an inner world where strong and ever-changing feelings create the facts, they often treat people they come into contact with according to the way they are feeling, good or bad, regardless of what that person may truly deserve. What often confounds the person on the receiving end of Push-Pull treatment is they can clearly see inconsistencies in the cyclical arguments and behaviors they are dealing with, yet the person with the Personality Disorder may be completely blind to the contradictions.
This difference in perceiving reality can often lead to Circular Arguments between the PD Sufferer and the Non, which generally only pours more fuel on the dysfunctional fire. It can be hard not to take a hit to your self-esteem as you try to guess from one day to the next what kind of mood your PD will be in when you wake up, or when you arrive late from work, or when you go to a social gathering.
However, when the behaviors are driven by the feelings of a PD the same actions do not always produce the same result. Sometimes attempts to control someone or abuse them are fairly obvious, with Proxy Recruitment however, manipulation of others is used to achieve the same aim in a highly secretive way.
Proxy recruitment can be an extremely powerful way of establishing control over another person. It forces the victim into a defensive posture — justifying themselves or denying false claims to friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances and authority figures. It often attempts to reverse roles in the eyes of others — casting the abuser as the victim and portraying the victim as the real abuser.
It also deflects attention away from the abuser and provides cover or justification for further abuse to occur. Proxy Recruitment is much easier if the abuser assumes a position of authority. Yale University psychologist Stanley Milgram demonstrated that people will often perform an irrational act if instructed to do so by an authority figure, even if that act is unkind or cruel to another person. It is a universal reaction to recruit allies when engaged in a conflict situation — however when it involves misrepresenting the truth or causing deliberate harm, it is a form of toxic and abusive behavior.
In psychological terms, this is known as an Identity Disturbance. As these Identity Disturbances blur the lines between the self and others, sometimes people with Personality Disorders will attribute their own personal and psychological characteristics to others. This practice is known as projection. It can however become malignant when it involves attribution of the Personality Disordered individuals own actions, words, blame, fault, hatred, liability or flawed character onto another.
This is especially the case when the Projection then becomes justification for some form of punishment or abuse. Projection can either be conscious — where the perpetrator knows they are deliberately deflecting blame or liability onto another person — or subconscious — where the perpetrator is unaware they are distorting or dissociating the facts. Sometimes it is simply the result of good old fashioned Blaming — where blame or responsibility for a problem is conveniently attributed to another person.
Projection can also occur as a result of Dissociation and a departure from reality-based thinking. Nobody likes to be told a falsified version of what they think, feel or believe — even about benign issues. Acts of projection commonly result in defensiveness, indignation, annoyance, argument or even retribution and retaliation on the part of subjects or victims. Even these can still be irritating and annoying, and when they veer into negative territory or make inflated or untrue claims, they can also in the long-term be damaging to your credibility or self-esteem.
Physical Abuse — Any form of voluntary behavior by one individual which inflicts pain, disease or discomfort on another, or deprives them of necessary health, nutrition and comfort. Many people who are victims of verbal abuse live in homes or environments where they have become so accustomed to the abuse that they consider it normal and do not consider themselves to be victims of abuse.
Bunny Boiling has become a popular reference to how people sometimes exhibit their rage by behaving destructively towards symbolic, important or treasured possessions or representations of those whom they wish to hurt, control or intimidate. Child Abduction — Child Abduction is a serious, yet common occurrence when people who suffer from personality disorders become involved in a custody dispute. Cruelty to Animals — Acts of Cruelty to Animals have been statistically discovered to occur more often in people who suffer from personality disorders than in the general population.
Domestic Theft — Consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to or shared with a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval. Favoritism — Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers. Frivolous Litigation — The use of unmerited legal proceedings to hurt, harass or gain an economic advantage over an individual or organization.
Imposed Isolation — When abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their support network, including friends and family. Stalking — Any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual.
Threats — Inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences. Abuse can have a confusing, hurtful and frightening effect which makes you feel isolated and emotionally unsafe. You may begin to doubt yourself, your senses, your opinions, memories, beliefs, feelings, abilities and judgment.
You may begin to express your opinions less and less freely and find yourself doubting your sense of reality. Abuse victims often become isolated from others, fearing that others might blame them for provoking, mishandling or failing to fix the situation. Abuse victims sometimes think that their situation is unique or rare and that others would not understand. Abuse victims often keep silent about their situation for fear that their abuser will find out and get angry.
Abuse victims are often told by their abuser that they are to blame for provoking or not understanding the abusers needs. You are likely to feel vulnerable, insecure, increasingly trapped and powerless. This may lead you to become defensive and increasingly depressed. You may also begin to blame yourself for their bad mood, behaviors or actions and hope things will change, especially through your own love and understanding.
People who are abused often long for the nicer, caring side of their partner, family member, friend, boss or co-worker to come back. You may find yourself making excuses for their bad behavior and choosing to focus mainly on getting them back into their good behavior state. In the short run they are about equal in pain but in the long run, leaving during an outburst is better for the following reasons:. This will make it emotionally easier to make a gracious exit the next time you are confronted with abuse.
Perfectionism — The maladaptive practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unattainable or unsustainable standard of organization, order, or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in other areas of living.
Perfectionism in its Adaptive form is often seen as a compliment in reference to diligence and the pursuit of excellence. But the Maladaptive or neurotic form is a destructive, dysfunctional type of persistent perfectionism which is ultimately damaging both to the perfectionist and to those closest to them. For example: being fixated on achieving an ideal physical appearance, which leads to compulsively working out or developing an addiction to plastic surgery.
Or: obsessively editing a writing assignment or tweaking a resume so that one fails to meet important deadlines. Other-Orientated Perfectionism is having unreasonable expectations and standards for others. The father who is unable to accept any physical or cognitive limitations in his offspring and pushes the child into an endless cycle of trying and failing to please his parent.
Or: The manager who monitors and assesses every step of the business process, refuses to delegate any responsibility to his subordinates or co-workers, then blames them when an important account is lost. Socially Prescribed Perfectionism is the development of perfectionist behaviors resulting from the belief that society expects the individual to be perfect.
The behaviors stem from a fear of failure or a desire to avoid embarrassment , shame and guilt. In athletes, dancers, models, actors, and many teenagers and young adults, body-image dissatisfaction and avoidance of social situations that focus on weight and physical appearance has been associated with Socially Prescribed Perfectionism. This can in turn lead to eating disorders, substance abuse, shame-based acting out and other body dysmorphia sensitivities.
Maladaptive perfectionists often feel unyielding pressure to meet their own high standards, which creates cognitive dissonance when they are unable to achieve their own irrational expectations. Living with a perfectionist can be frightening and frustrating experience because vast quantities of valuable resources such as time, money, social goodwill and friendships seem to be squandered on seemingly meaningless or trivial details. It can be frustrating when no amount of discussion, logical argument or reasoning seems to get through to the perfectionist.
Perfectionism is a manifestation of a common personality disorder trait known as Dissociation — where feelings create facts. Logical arguments often do not convince a person who dissociates because logical arguments do not change the way they feel and the way they feel is accepted as the way things really are. Perfectionism is also sometimes a manifestation of Projection — where the confusing feelings and chaos which exist in the mind of a person who suffers from a personality disorder that they are unable to control are projected out into the tangible world around them where they can feel they have some sense of control.
Lies and liars come in all shapes, and in shades of white, grey and black. What distinguishes the more extreme forms of lying is the degree of harm they cause and the extent to which the behavior becomes habitual or uncontrollable.
For example:. This is your basic, old-fashioned fib. Most of us develop the skill of lying into adulthood. Dissociation — A psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality. People who dissociate believe — at least in part — what they are saying to be true. Dissociative liars can be thought of as people who also deceive themselves when they tell a lie. As they are speaking, they may not be fully aware that what they are saying can be shown to contradict objective truths, verifiable facts, or statements they may have made in the past.
Compulsive Lying — Compulsive Lying is a term used to describe lying frequently out of habit, without much regard for the consequences to others and without having an obvious motive to lie. A compulsive liar is someone who habitually lies. A compulsive liar is a person who is addicted to lying. Compulsive liars are people for whom lying feels like emotional safe ground compared to telling the truth.
Compulsive lying is less self-centered or manipulative in nature than other kinds of lying. Compulsive liars may tell lies, exaggerate, distort or bend the truth in ways which get themselves and others into unnecessary trouble.
Pathological Lying — Persistent deception by an individual to serve their own interests and needs with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs. Pathological lying is similar to selfish lying, while being more pervasive. A Pathological Liar has a greater disregard for the effect their dishonesty has on others, resulting in a more destructive impact.
A Pathological Liar may often be accused of being self-centered, manipulative and controlling. When you discover that you have been lied to, it can make you feel as though you have been taken advantage of, made to look foolish, had something stolen from you. You may feel anger, disappointment and fear all at the same time. You may feel the urge to get even, get justice, settle the score, clear your name.
You may also turn some of that negative energy inwards upon yourself. Over time, if you are lied to repeatedly by a pathological liar, this loss of self-security and sense of injustice can severely beat you down emotionally. You may begin to believe very negative things about your own self-worth and your place in society.
You may become depressed and feel hopeless and powerless. If you are related to or in a committed relationship with a person who is a habitual compulsive or pathological liar you may feel isolated and trapped. You may begin to consider extreme options to free yourself from your situation. Into The Mind of a Liar — interesting NPR article about how people who lie a lot have differences in their brains from the rest of us. That was because we wished in this first attack to avoid, insofar as possible, the killing of civilians.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior — Expressing negative feelings in an unassertive, passive way. When resentment and contempt lurk beneath the surface of a dysfunctional relationship, Passive-Aggressive behavior is like a residue which rises to the top. It is a form of behavior where anger is not expressed openly, rather, it emerges in sometimes subtle ways which avoid direct confrontation.
It is common for someone who feels they are in a position of relative disempowerment to express their anger at the more powerful person through Passive-Aggressive behavior. They may feel inferior, or afraid of the person they are angry with, who may also be an authority figure such as a parent, older sibling, employer or teacher.
Or, the person may be a peer such as a spouse, partner, sibling or friend who dominates or assumes the lead position in the relationship. Passive-aggressive behavior is a common feature of relationships between people with Personality Disorders and Nons. People with Personality Disorders often feel a great deal of pain over their own situation. Because of the way their emotions can overwhelm their rational thinking, they are prone to destructive behaviors, emotional outbursts, making poor choices and having feelings of self-loathing, powerlessness and discontent.
Faced with this, it is common for them to look for a person who is willing to share the burden, help clean up the mess and help them feel better about themselves. Filled with anger towards those who have disappointed them, yet consumed by fear that they will be abandoned by them , the Personality Disordered person may develop a pattern of Passive-Aggressive behavior towards the Non. On their part, Nons are often confused about the erratic state of mind of the Personality Disordered individuals in their lives.
They may respond to poor treatment with feelings of anger and hurt while at the same time they may become afraid of future outbursts. Nons may themselves develop a pattern of Passive-Aggressive behavior as a way of registering their disapproval while not provoking further conflict. Passive-Aggressive behaviors and communication styles are rarely effective in getting people what they want, and are more likely to add fuel to the fires already burning.
An assertive approach to managing conflict is far more likely to get both parties in a relationship what they want. Where there are episodes of abuse involved, assertiveness can also involve setting firm, healthy and appropriate boundaries which protect the Non from further abuse. The usual target is the eldest or most emotionally or physically mature child in the family.
For these Parentified children, there may be expectations they will sacrifice normal childhood needs like play, friendships with peers, sleep or schooling. This can include duties such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, paying bills, managing the household budget, getting kids ready for school, supervising homework, dispensing medications or imposing discipline on younger children.
Physical Parentification is different from assigning a normal, healthy level of household chores to children, as it involves an unfair level of responsibility and allows the actual parent to abdicate part of their own responsibility for care of the children. It also becomes dysfunctional when the task assigned is beyond the developmental maturity of the child or where the assigned duties leave little or no time for the child to engage in normal childhood activities. This can include cases where the parent begins to confide in the child, discussing their own adult problems and issues, and effectively using the child as a surrogate spouse or therapist.
Other siblings, taking their cues from the parent, may also attempt to unburden themselves on the child. Children are often anxious to please their parents and a Parentified child will often take their responsibilities very seriously. However, the child will generally suffer from having his or her own emotional needs neglected and from being compelled to live up to the burden of expectation.
Parentified children may struggle with lingering resentment, explosive anger and difficulty in forming trusting relationships with peers, issues which often follow them into adulthood. Forming close, trusting romantic and spousal relationships may be particularly difficult. Parental Alienation Syndrome — When a separated parent convinces their child that the other parent is bad, evil or worthless.
Alienation generally means interfering with or cutting off a person from relationships with others. This can occur in a number of ways, including criticism, manipulation, threats, distorted reporting or control. One of the most widely reported forms of alienation is Parental Alienation, where a parent tries to sabotage the relationship a child has with their other parent. During a divorce, this is a common tactic for many persons with Personality Disorders, usually as a means of hurting their former spouse.
Parental Alienation is a form of emotional child abuse. Children instinctively love both parents and identify with both as part of themselves. They feel immense stress when that love is threatened. Therefore, when a child is told that one of their parents is bad, they feel as though they themselves are bad. This arouses in them feelings of shame, uncertainty, fear and guilt.
It does mean though that you have to allow the child to love who they love and feel what they feel without shame or punishment or control or manipulation. It is common for divorcing parents to feel anger at the other parent. However, expressing that anger in front of the children is inappropriate. If you need validation for the way you feel towards your ex-spouse you should talk to a friend or a therapist about it — not the children.
This is toxic and highly destructive. Panic Attacks — Short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as hyperventilating, shaking, sweating and chills. Panic is the instinctive last resort instinct to change something — anything — in the face of an otherwise certain death. As the human race evolved through the millennia, the panic attack is a survival skill which we have evolved to assist with survival in the wild.
However, an instinctive reaction to danger which was useful to avoiding a sabre-toothed tiger in the prehistoric Savannah is often less helpful in dealing with the typical domestic problems of 21st Century life. Emotional Avalanche is the cognitive process where the more primitive, emotional part of the brain temporarily takes control over the more deliberate, thoughtful, logical part of the brain.
When a person is experiencing a momentary loss of reason in favor of unbridled courage, love or fear, it is often because they are experiencing an emotional avalanche. During this time, oxygen supply to the frontal cortex is restricted, and diverted in an adrenaline-charged surge to the amygdala — the emotional, impulsive region of the brain.
The American Psychiatric Association has identified a number of manifestations of panic attacks as follows:. A discrete period of intense fear or discomfort, in which four or more of the following symptoms developed abruptly and reached a peak within 10 minutes:. To the bystander, a panic attack only makes sense if they feel can simultaneously feel the same level of threat that the panic attacker feels.
However, since most modern day threats are not immediately visible to the eye of the bystander, most view the physical and emotional response of someone who is having a panic attack as exaggerated, irrational, counter-productive and even dangerous. When someone is experiencing an emotional avalanche, they temporarily shut off their thinking brain.
It is a time to get yourself, vulnerable bystanders and the family china out of the way. Most panic attacks last only a few minutes and subside in less than an hour. Many people who experience a panic attack will feel exhausted and may become placid — needing to nap or sleep it off in the immediate aftermath. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder OCPD is characterized by an inflexible adherence to rules or systems or an affinity to cleanliness and orderly structure. OCPD people may be mistrusting of others who may not hold the same convictions or understand their need for things to be just right.
They may have trouble delegating, trusting others, sharing responsibilities or compromising. They may be obsessively clean or hygienic. OCD is often characterized by a repetition or adherence to rituals. OCPD is characterized more by an unhealthy adherence to perfectionism. Nevertheless, there are some common behavior patterns. The following are descriptions of characteristics and behaviors which may be observed in an individual who suffers from obsessive compulsive personality disorder.
This list includes direct traits which occur in OCPD sufferers and comorbid traits from other related personality disorders which may also occur in an OCPD sufferer. The list below contains descriptions as observed by family members and partners. Examples are given of each trait, with descriptions of what it feels like to be caught in the crossfire and some good and bad ideas for coping.
Please note that these descriptions are not intended for diagnosis. No one person exhibits all of the traits and the presence of one or more traits is not evidence of a personality disorder. See our disclaimer for more info. Click on the links to read more about each trait. Anger — People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresolved anger and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they have been wronged, invalidated, neglected or abused.
Avoidance — The practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure. Blaming — The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem. Circular Conversations — Arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no resolution.
Denial — Believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event or memory does not exist or did not happen. Depression — People who suffer from personality disorders are often also diagnosed with symptoms of depression. Sense of Entitlement — An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.
Hoarding — Accumulating items to an extent that it becomes detrimental to quality of lifestyle, comfort, security or hygiene. Hysteria — An inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the real problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.
Manipulation — The practice of steering an individual into a desired behavior for the purpose of achieving a hidden personal goal. Mood Swings — Unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily explained by changes in external circumstances. No-Win Scenarios — When you are manipulated into choosing between two bad options. Objectification — The practice of treating a person or a group of people like an object.
Ranking and Comparing — Drawing unnecessary and inappropriate comparisons between individuals or groups. Triggering -Small, insignificant or minor actions, statements or events that produce a dramatic or inappropriate response. Tunnel Vision — The habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.
Treatment of OCPD is usually centered around a combination of psychotherapy and behavioral therapy. Secondary symptoms such as depression and anxiety are often treated using antidepressants. See out Treatment Page for lots more information about treatment of personality disorders. Strictly speaking, these movies portray individuals with the closely related Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Sleeping With The Enemy — Sleeping with the Enemy is a psychological thriller starring Julia Roberts, who tries to escape from her abusive husband, who suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. The Aviator — The Aviator is a drama film starring Leonardo DiCaprio based on the life of aviation pioneer Howard Hughes, a successful inventor, film producer and aviation pioneer who exhibits a number of severe obsessive-compulsive traits.
This is the essence of Objectification — a lack of concern or in many cases recognition, of the feelings and rights of others. Even though it feels emotional to those on the receiving end, in reality, it is the opposite. It is lack of compassion for or perception of the feelings of others which is the driving force. They are literally living inside their own heads. However, objectification also has a broader meaning.
University of Chicago Professor Martha C. Nussbaum classified Objectification into the following categories:. Acts of objectification typically enrich the perpetrator at the expense of the victim. What the perpetrator fails to recognize is the cost to themselves in the form of long term personal security.
People who objectify others build their own form of solitary confinement, because by sacrificing the trust and good will of others, they are vulnerable to eventual demise of their power. Just as dictatorships can last for years or decades but typically collapse very quickly at the end. If you have been the subject of objectification, you are probably familiar with the emotions of fear and anger.
The anger comes from having your dignity and rights violated by another person who has considered their own needs to be more important than yours, and you may also feel an urge to retaliate or get even. The fear comes from knowing that they may hold a certain degree of authority or influence and that if they did it once, they are likely to do it again. A secondary but perhaps more significant effect of being objectified is a loss of self-worth.
Many of us derive a significant portion of our self-worth from the validation that comes from other people. This loss affects all victims of objectification and it is especially true of children who live with a Personality-Disordered parent. Misery loves company, which is why it is so common for a Personality-Disordered individual who is feeling strong negative emotions such as anger, jealousy or contempt to try to act out their feelings and hurt or manipulate another person in an attempt to feel better about themselves.
No-Win and Lose-Lose scenarios often play on our own sense of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, keeping us trapped in a situations where we are afraid or reluctant to set boundaries for self-protection. We may feel like we will be breaking some taboos or unwritten laws of decency or morality if we refuse to at least try to give the Personality-Disordered individual what they say they want.
The trouble is we know if we give them what they want, often they may not be satisfied by that and we will have squandered our efforts, our resources, our time and our own dignity. It can be made even worse when they appear to be utterly unashamed, or become defensive when the negative behavior is pointed out. Sometimes these apologies will come, and sometimes, they will not. This lack of an expected apology can lead to further conflict and resentment in the relationship.
For the Personality Disordered individual, often their own behavior seems justified in light of the strong emotional motivation they have. Nons often feel exasperated, shocked and outraged that the Personality-Disordered individuals in their lives can behave so callously or hatefully. They may begin to hit back because they feel so hurt or taken advantage of.
Or they might feel depression that they are treated so poorly and have failed to convince the other person to treat them with respect. Any attempt make a Personality-Disordered individual see things your way might just lead to frustration all around. The best approach you can take is to detach emotionally from them and focus on taking care of your own physical and emotional needs. Normalizing — Normalizing is a tactic used to desensitize an individual to abusive, coercive or inappropriate behaviors.
Aggressors often work to make their victims feel less sensitive to, or more accepting of. They learn to accept as normal what they once believed to be unacceptable, wrong, or dangerous. The process of normalizing usually a sustained effort over time may touch off deep inner conflict in the person who is the target of normalizing efforts. The reason for this ambivalence is that normalizing requires a person to adjust their personal standards, and accept, participate, or collaborate in bad behavior in order to receive a payoff or reward.
In other words: the target knows the behavior is inappropriate or wrong, but is motivated to indulge it, because doing so generates the promise of some desired object or situation that the target yearns for or already has , and does not want to lose. The motivation could be anything: money, sex, grades, acceptance, favor, or the promise of love.
Normalizing is in many ways a type of mutual extortion, and can not work if there is nothing of value at stake. Being in a relationship with a personality-disordered individual has sometimes been compared to an addiction. One of the side effects of being addicted to another person is the lengths some non-personality-disordered individuals might go to in order to preserve their connection to the very person who is doing them harm.
He or she may begin to normalize, or justify abnormal behaviors in the other person in order to make those behaviors seem less disturbing, The non-personality-disordered individual thus adopts codependent and enabling behaviors, and may even begin mirroring some of the bad actions they once objected to. In this way, the addicted person is able to increase their own tolerance and negative coping skills, and stay connected to their drug of choice.
Losing perspective on what is acceptable behavior weakens your own self-esteem and judgment. Once bad behaviors are normalized and accepted in your own mind, you will be vulnerable to further abuse and at risk for engaging in activities that are unhealthy, harmful or illegal yourself. Neglect — A passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of a dependent are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.
Neglect is a form of abuse where inaction rather than direct action leads to the harm of an individual or object. As is the case with other types of abuse neglect may be intermittent, sporadic or inconsistent, and in-between times may be filled with periods of adequate care or sometimes an overwhelming or overcompensating showering with gifts, attention or favors.
Source: U. Administration on Aging, National estimates of the incidence of abuse, neglect, and self-neglect of persons 60 years and older, They may blame themselves for the treatment they are experiencing, may feel worthless or guilty, and may try to win the favor of their caregiver through performance, bargaining or favors. Individuals who are exposed to episodes of neglect may begin to go through stages of grief as they come to terms with the sense of loss caused by having their genuine survival and wellbeing needs being ignored.
Long term or sustained, sporadic neglect of an individual will often lead to that person feeling trapped like a prisoner and may result in symptoms of Complex PTSD. In the case of people who are physically vulnerable such as young children, profoundly disabled persons or frail aged people, it can also result in serious medical consequences, or even in extreme cases, death.
Neglect is a serious and often illegal form of abuse. The victim is often a dependent who needs outside help to confront or stop the abuse. Narcissism — A set of behaviors characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, self-centered focus, need for admiration, self-serving attitude and a lack of empathy or consideration for others.
The term Narcissism comes from the Greek mythological character Narcissus, who rejected love from others and fell in love with his own reflection in the water. The characteristic patterns of narcissistice behavior include egotism, an unhealthy need for attention, an inflated sense of entitlement, and obliviousness to the rights, needs and wants of others — unless they are somehow useful.
These self-centered ways of relating to others can be common in people who suffer from personality disorders, especially Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD. Living with or being involved with a narcissist can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Children, spouses, friends, lovers — those closest to the Narcissist — are not considered individuals in their own right by the Narcissist — but rather extensions or, in the worst cases, the property of the Narcissist.
You may find yourself becoming hyper-vigilant, trying to second guess them, trip them up, lay down ultimatums, call them on their lies, or constantly trying to stay one-step ahead of their ever-changing rule-book. You may even find yourself trying to mirror their behaviors to some extent in order to manipulate them, as they have manipulated you. This can be both futile and attractive to the narcissist, as they often relish the challenge.
They may rage, play the victim, or disappear. None of these outcomes gives the victim any true satisfaction. More than any other disorder on the PD spectrum, narcissists are like psychological vampires, attaching themselves to you in a way that drains you of your resources emotional, mental and financial and leaves you questioning your own worth and sanity. Often, narcissists are able to imitate or approximate caring about others when it is convenient for them to do so.
However, they typically do not perceive that anything outside of their own sphere of wants and needs matters. Narcissists can be highly intelligent, witty, talented, likable, and fun to be around. Narcissists are opportunistic. They tend to isolate their victims, sucking up their time and energy, many times robbing their own families, spouses and partners of an external support system.
Narcissists are excellent liars and many prefer to lie, even when telling the truth would be more beneficial to them. I would like to know what the configure options were that were used to generate the ubuntu package of asterisk 1. My favorite server distro is Slackware and on that I just reference the Slackbuild file to find out how a package was made and possibly customised in order to remake it with a newer source, but I cannot figure this out on Ubuntu.
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Expiry Times: 30 sec, 60 sec, 2 min, 3 min, 5 min Trade When neither of these configure options are used, the default will be bit long double when built against GNU C Library 2. When you configure a Python interpreter, If PyCharm detects no Python on your machine, it provides two options: to download the Next, the skeletons for binary libraries are generated and copied locally.
Also all the Python library sources are collected from the Python paths on a remote host and copied locally along with the generated skeletons. Storing skeletons and all Python library List of core configure options. Below is a partial list of configure options used by the PHP configure scripts when compiling in Unix-like environments. Most configure options are listed in their appropriate locations on the extension reference pages and not here. For a complete up-to-date list of configure options, run.
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Systematic desensitization , also known as graduated exposure therapy , is a type of behavior therapy developed by South African psychiatrist, Joseph Wolpe. It is used in the field of clinical psychology to help many people effectively overcome phobias and other anxiety disorders that are based on classical conditioning , and shares the same elements of both cognitive-behavioral therapy and applied behavior analysis.
From the cognitive psychology perspective, however, cognitions and feelings trigger motor actions. The process of systematic desensitization occurs in three steps. The first step of systematic desensitization is the identification of an anxiety inducing stimulus hierarchy. The second step is the learning of relaxation or coping techniques. When the individual has been taught these skills, he or she must use them in the third step to react towards and overcome situations in the established hierarchy of fears.
The goal of this process is for the individual to learn how to cope with, and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy. There are three main steps that Wolpe identified to successfully desensitize an individual.
A client may approach a therapist due to their great phobia of snakes. This is how the therapist would help the client using the three steps of systematic desensitization:. Specific phobias are one class of mental disorder often treated via systematic desensitization.
When persons experience such phobias for example fears of heights, dogs, snakes, closed spaces, etc. In this regard, patients' avoidance behaviors can become reinforced — a concept defined by the tenets of operant conditioning. Thus, the goal of systematic desensitization is to overcome avoidance by gradually exposing patients to the phobic stimulus, until that stimulus can be tolerated. In , Wolpe discovered that the cats of Wits University could overcome their fears through gradual and systematic exposure.
In , Wolpe did a series of experiments on the artificial induction of neurotic disturbance in cats. He found that gradually deconditioning the neurotic animals was the best way to treat them of their neurotic disturbances. Wolpe deconditioned the neurotic cats through different feeding environments. Wolpe knew that this treatment of feeding would not generalize to humans and he instead substituted relaxation as a treatment to relieve the anxiety symptoms.
Wolpe found that if he presented a client with the actual anxiety inducing stimulus, the relaxation techniques did not work. It was difficult to bring all of the objects into his office because not all anxiety inducing stimuli are physical objects, but instead are concepts. Wolpe instead began to have his clients imagine the anxiety inducing stimulus or look at pictures of the anxiety inducing stimulus, much like the process that is done today.
Desensitization is widely known as one of the most effective therapy techniques. In recent decades, systematic desensitization has become less commonly used as a treatment of choice for anxiety disorders. Since academic research on systematic desensitization has declined, and the current focus has been on other therapies.
In addition, the number of clinicians using systematic desensitization has also declined since Those clinicians that continue to regularly use systematic desensitization were trained before It is believed that the decrease of systematic desensitization by practicing psychologist is due to the increase in other techniques such as flooding , implosive therapy, and participant modeling.
Between 25 and 40 percent of students experience test anxiety. Children can practice the muscle relaxation techniques by tensing and relaxing different muscle groups. With older children and college students, an explanation of desensitization can help to increase the effectiveness of the process. In this step of systematic desensitization therapy, people are asked to list triggers of a specific phobia or situation and rate each trigger from where 0 represents no anxiety at all and 10 represents extreme anxiety.
In the next step of systematic desensitization therapy, people are asked to imagine themselves being exposed to their object of fear. For someone who is afraid of spiders, he is advised to close his eyes and imagine himself in a room alone with a huge spider. When he feels anxious, he is asked to practice the relaxation exercise, such as deep breathing or deep muscle relaxation. After each imaginal exposure, the person is asked to rate his fear of spiders.
For example, the person is asked to look at images of spiders. The person is advised to practice deep breathing and other relaxation exercises whenever he is exposed to spiders so that his anxiety will gradually be replaced with relaxation. The systematic desensitization therapy continues until the person feels no fear when he is exposed to real spiders.
Although systematic desensitization can be self-administered, it is usually more effective when working with a behavioral therapist. Categories: Abnormal Psychology. The notes are very helpful and informative. I actually like your psychology notes as they are simple and easy to understand.
Today I really understand the Desensitization…. I was very confuse for past 6 months …but not now… thanks alot …. Superb article…very well illustrated… understood clearly.. Your email address will not be published. Post comment. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. Related posts: What is Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?
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